Not-Reviews

While all feedback is in and of itself a good thing, there are certain things you should try to avoid in a review. These are not comments on the story itself but bring in outside factors that are not necessarily related to the story's quality and could be perceived as needlessly inflammatory or even downright rude. Remember that the root of "constructive" is "construct," which means that it can be built upon.  Criticism that is positive or negative that cannot be built upon is not constructive, and while positive non-constructive critique is generally welcome as pleasant egoboo, negative non-constructive critique is flamebait.  The following types of non-reviews provide a handy if incomplete list:

- A review that consists entirely of describing your hatred of the primary pairing in the story unless it is followed by the words "but I really liked how you handled them here." Taking review space to tell the author how much you hate their favorite 'ship is not constructive, and it is poor manners. In terms of a critique, following with "and I'm sorry to say this story did not move me from my dislike" can be useful but should only be employed when you honestly believe the author could benefit in some fashion from the comment. (If you believe the author could benefit from no longer enjoying the pairing in question, you should perhaps seek the remedial course in "Fandom: We All Like Different Things and That's Okay.")

- A review consisting entirely of how much you hate the source material on which the story is based, again unless it is followed by praise of the author's ability to make you enjoy it. This is poor manners and it begs your ability to read a story header. The Internet is opt-in; no one forces you to read anything here.

- Calling the author names or otherwise engaging in flaming her/him based on your prior interactions with her/him. While none of us are perfect, your reviews should be focused on the work, not the person. If you cannot separate the two long enough to comment, don't comment. (I've encountered this several times in my fannish history, and so I've learned not to read works by those whom I dislike too much to review without bias.)

- Telling the author how you would have written or ended the story, unless it is to point out a problem with the story's structure. (For example, a sword-and-sorcery epic that ends abruptly when the hero pulls out a pistol and shoots the villain.) If you feel strongly that the story should have gone in a different direction, there's always room for more fanfic. Just be sure to ask permission of the original author before you write an alternate ending to her or his 'fic. Better still, write your own story from scratch and really show us how it's done.

- Telling the author what her or his next story should be, in great detail. Saying "I liked this and would like to see more in the same vein" is very different from saying "You need to write the prequel where this and this and this happened, and then they met this character." One is polite and begs to be pointed to your previous work without imposing; the other is demanding and a touch childish. A middle ground would be to contact the author privately stating that her/his work was inspiring and has given you ideas, which you would like to share, perhaps even as a co-writing opportunity, or with permission, and off-shoot fanfic universe.

- A review that is entirely about your own stories and ideas instead of a comment on the story you've just read. If you would like to discuss your story ideas with the author, that's fine.

Simply say so when you review, and give her/him the opportunity to say, "Of course I'd love to hear your ideas," or "I'm sorry, I barely have time to keep up with my own ideas right now, but perhaps we can discuss it later."

Please do not let these notes intimidate you, gentle reader, nor should you take them as hard and fast rules. They are merely pieces of information I have collected in my travels around the Web, and I present them to assist you, not to chain you in any fashion. Not-reviews are frustrating to writers, because they are not useful. They do not tell an author if the story worked, if the idea was sound, if the characters were on point and all the notes well-played. They bring the reviewer's dislikes and biases to the forefront rather than putting the story there, and should be kept private.

Receiving Reviews

Now we flip to the other side of the bright reviewing penny: hearing the chime in your inbox of a new review. Is it a glowing testimonial to your wit? Is it incomprehensible squealing? The eagerness and anticipation can eat you alive until the moment you click.

And now your dilemma: how do you respond?

Once again, Dr. Merlin has the answer. The proper response to a positive review is "Thank you." You may feel free to add to it, respond to reader questions, comment further on some aspect the reader brought up, but remember to be polite! Your reviewer has taken time from her or his day to thank you for your work, and every reader is important. Give thanks.

Should the review include in-depth analysis of your story, the proper response is to do a little jig and then respond in kind with even greater thanks.

If the review is negative, the proper response is still "Thank you." Reread that last sentence! Negative reviews are just as valuable as positive reviews, if not more so. Negative reviews tell you what didn't work in the story, be it intentional or otherwise, and this is what you need to know for next time. If something was intentional, you may wish to indicate this, but do so politely. Thank your reviewer for the time it took to write such a useful piece of feedback. Keep your mental critiques of the reviewer to yourself, especially when you were the one who screwed up (and if you did not -- regarding a piece of canon detail, for example -- you may indicate so with a reference to the episode in question). Fix what you can, save the rest for your next story, and move on. If the reviewer suggests you find a good beta reader, take the advice to heart, and if the reviewer offers to be that beta, thank your lucky stars because you have just found someone who loves your work enough to reread it half a dozen times per story and is bright enough to find your mistakes before you release your ideas to the world. (Caveat: Be sure to review other work by this same person before you accept, as it is best to know up front how strong your beta's writing skills are and how closely their view of the characters are to your own.)

The proper response to a not-review is to smack your head on your desk, type "Thank you," and then wonder at the intelligence of people with web access. You may feel free to point him or her to this essay if you so desire, but many reviewers who leave not-reviews may not be ready to hear why these kinds of comments are not helpful.  Use your best judgment.  Don't assume a negative review is a not-review.

Say "thank you." Always say "thank you." ("Thanks" is also acceptable.)

Postscript

My thanks now go out to you, gentle reader, for following me through this essay. I hope it has been enlightening, or at least amusing.