Support.

Yes, you’re through to support. What’s the problem?

Doesn’t work? Are you sure you’re pronouncing the words correctly?

Well, read the spell to me now.

No, I’ll be all right. Just say the spell as you would if you were performing it.

Hmmm…. Your pronunciation’s OK. Just let me get my copy of the spellbook and I’ll check you’re using the latest text.

Sorry about the delay. I’ve got it. Can you repeat your version?

Yes, I’m still here. I was just thinking. You’re doing the spell correctly, but is it the right spell? What are you trying to do?

I see. Are you sure they’re wraiths?

Look, I appreciate that you’re under attack. But are you sure they’re wraiths?

Are they ghastly pale, or green with slime?

Slimy…. Do they stink of foulness and decay?

Do they have an unearthly howl? Do they gibber in the moonlight?

Are they whispering of unspeakable torments?

And threatening to drink your blood?

Yes, yes. You may get some cackling with that. I think I’ve identified the problem. You see, what you have is revenants.

Revenants.

Not wraiths, no.

No, the undead are not all the same. That’s why your spell didn’t work. Try the one for quelling revenants.

Quelling revenants. The fourth ritual is best. Have you got that one?

Do you want me to read it to you?

Yes, I’m still here. I’m trying to find the spell.

Just hold them off, I’ll be with you in a tick. The fourth ritual is in the appendix of variants - I need to go and get it.

Cold iron will keep them at bay. It’ll probably help if you scream defiance and call upon the Light.

No, it won’t stop them, but it’ll give you a minute.

OK, I’ve found it. Have you got a grimoire?

Well, have you got a scroll?

That’ll have to do. Take this down…

Support.

Yes, you’re through to support. What’s the problem?

Weakening…. Have the revenants been in daylight?

There’s no need to shout. It’s a perfectly reasonable question.

I know it sounds stupid, but you’d be surprised how often it happens. Your minions get impatient, they can’t wait till nightfall, they bring the revenants out in twilight -

Okay, you haven’t exposed them to daylight. I accept that. There really is no need to shout.

That’s better. What about white magic? Have they come up against any spells?

Which ritual?

Yes, that one’s quite potent. But you should still be able to mass against it. How many revenants have you got?

How many, exactly, is a legion of hideous undead wreaking havoc under the sickle moon?

Well, that does sound plenty. But revenants are fragile. What are their symptoms?

Falling apart, huh? If an arm falls off, does the revenant pick it up and stick it back on again, or does it just stand there and look confused?

Confused is bad. Have they been charging in the wrong direction?

Milling about at random…. That’s very bad. Have you fed them fresh blood?

Look, I’ve told you before, there really is no need to shout.

And there’s no call for that, either.

All right, you’ve been feeding them. But have you given them human blood?

Yes, human.

Chickens will keep them going for a while, but they really need human blood. Every night, if possible.

No, you can’t have my blood!

I’m here to help, but if that’s your attitude -

As I’ve said, the revenants need human blood. If you’re short, you can dilute it with pig’s blood, or cattle…. Down to a 50/50 mix should be OK.

Yes, I know, that’s still a lot of blood. But don’t you see? When your revenants mass, and charge, and conquer, then you capture enough of the enemy to feed your troops; and the ones you’ve killed can be raised to your side; and so your army gets bigger and bigger.

And then, yes, you scourge the land like a ravishment of darkness.

Support.

You’ve got what?

Which orb is it?

A lot of orbs have been made over the centuries. If you don’t know which one it is -

Does it have a maker’s rune?

Well, what colour is it?

How big is it? Is it hollow or solid?

Does it tingle with strange energies?

Put your ear against the crystal. Can you hear the song of distant angels? Or the echoing laments of a long-imprisoned fey?

Pity, that would have helped.

Yes, I’m still here. I’m trying to find your orb in Mystic Artifacts, but it doesn’t sound like any recent model. I presume you don’t have the original documentation -

There would have been. Are you sure you don’t have it?

Well, where did you get the orb?

Does this prophecy say what the orb is, or how to use it?

It must say something. What does it call the orb? What did it say you were going to find?

The Orb of Power. Well, that’s helpful. That’s a pretty useless prophecy if you ask me.

No, I’m sure the orb is useful -

Yes, it might be good against revenants. And demons.

That would be worth a try, if you can get the thing working. It’s probably quite potent.

I’m sorry, I’m doing my best. But that orb must be from the Age of Wonders, or the High Empire. All that knowledge somehow disappeared - we’re in the Twilight Time now.

Yes, that explains why there’s an army of revenants ravaging the land.

Drinking people’s blood?

Raising corpses?

And the rest of you are starving because the cattle are gone. It sounds pretty bad out there.

Sorry, I was just thinking. I feel terrible about this. There must be some way of using your orb. You’ve tried the Runes of Evocation?

And the Aetheric Chants?

Hmmm….

I’m still here. I’ve just had an idea. I’ll look through the Supplication Scrolls - we might have been asked about this orb before. After all, it’s been around for a long time.

No, don’t wait. There’s a lot for me to read through; it’ll take a while.

I promise.

Yes -

I’ll get back to you.

Support.

Please don’t shout.

Don’t scream, either.

Look, if you carry on like that, I’ll stop right here -

That’s better. Now, what seems to be the trouble?

Quietly -

Without cursing -

Revenants crumbling, wraiths melting…. If your demons are rebelling, that’s not actually a support issue -

How many towers have collapsed?

I agree, it is serious. Were they under warranty?

Dark towers don’t last forever, you know.

It doesn’t matter what the attackers are using, it’s your responsibility to rebuild the towers every aeon, with fresh sacrifices -

If you’d sacrificed enough virgins, you wouldn’t be having this trouble now. It clearly states on the plans that you have to do that. What do you think the sinister altars are for?

No, I can’t tell you what the attackers are using.

I’m not going to discuss that. All our support is confidential.

It might be an orb. It might be a ring or an amulet. I’ve told you I’m not discussing this.

And I’ve already told you not to threaten me with eternal torture.

No thanks.

No, I’m flattered, but I really don’t want to be your First Minion.

Even if I did want to be Commander of the Shadow Legions, I’m under oath. And you’re not allowed to tempt me.

No, you’re allowed to tempt the other side. But not me. We’re an independent support service, that’s all.

I agree, Master of the Succubi does sound like an enjoyable post. As I’ve said, I can’t accept -

What was that?

I’m sorry, I can’t hear you very well. There’s a lot of noise at your end.

Storming the Dark Fortress? What happened to the Guardians of the Pit?

That’s a shame, but I guess it’s too late to fix now.

No, I’m not admitting liability -

I’m still here.

Yes, I can hear them coming as well. Don’t worry -

No, I can’t stop them. But this is only -

You’ll rise again.

It may take a while, but you’ll rise again. I guarantee it.

No need to scream. It’s in your contract: the Dark always returns. Eventually.

Please stop screaming.

- Goodbye.