I was sitting here at my cubicle thinking about the healthcare reform bill. You’ve probably heard or seen the stories about the bickering in Congress, the rage filled town hall meetings, and the vastly incorrect rumors about the healthcare reform crusade.

Seemed like a good time to find the humor in this thing. I wondered what would happen if the sci-fantasy community got their hands on this bill. What kind of bizarre medical treatments would we want covered in this health plan?

1) Bionics – What would make us more efficient in this ever changing global economy? Why, bionic body parts, of course. Imagine the things we could do with bionic legs, arms and ears. Use your enhanced strength to make that home renovation move a little quicker. Use your enhanced hearing to pick up Lassie’s SOS barks from miles away. And wouldn’t be incredible to have your every action accompanied by awesome sound effects? As long as you’re not running through a lightning storm bionics would be peachy keen to have.

2) Mutant Powers – With work already underway for stem cell research how about tagging on DNA splicing. Let’s crack the code already and “x-spose” those latent X-Genes. I surely wouldn’t mind having telepathy and the ability to turn my skin into diamond and look ravishing in colonial underwear. The next step in evolution is moving too slowly. Let’s use our healthcare funds to speed up the process.

3) Vampirism – Let’s face it. If there really was a Fountain of Youth then Wayne Newton already owns it and has locked it away from the rest of us (though there is a rumor that Casey Kasem managed to get a sip). The next best bet for immortality would probably be vampire blood. We could cure sickness and prevent death all over the nation. Of course, there are downsides including that insatiable hunger for human blood, allergic reactions to sunlight, having to sleep in a coffin, and people of color will have a terrible time dealing with the ashy undead skin.
Um, why was vampirism a good medical condition again? Oh right, eternal youth……..um, moving on

4) Nanotechnology – Little microscopic robots doing medical procedures from within the body with no fuss or muss? Great! It did wonders for Zartan in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra and look how durable the Cobra soldiers were. I would love to be able to put my hand in a box full of poisonous snakes with no fear because my nanobots will easily wipe out the venom from my system. No need for scalpels, lasers, scars, soreness or anesthesia. Just tell your nanobots what you want done via computer link and you’re good to go. Just make sure you don’t hit the ESC key or the bots will consume your flesh until you’re nothing more than atoms.

5) Cybernetics – With the harmful UV rays wrecking our skin and super-viruses ravaging our immune systems it seems that the once pleasant pastime of going outside has become as hazardous to our health as smoking or letting the cat drive the car. But if we implanted out brains into android bodies we would have nothing to fear from the environment. Swine flu? Not a problem since the synthetic body will have no use for the activity we call “breathing” We would be able to swim without fear of drowning and even have a patio party on the moon without all those cumbersome space suits getting in the way. Hunger would be eradicated since our electronic bodies wouldn’t need fruits and meats to consume for energy. That’s what the Iron Man inspired arc reactor is for. Your new body would be totally customizable, self cleaning and “ecco-nomically” friendly.

Those are just a few of my suggestions for the stuff the new healthcare plan should include on the coverage list. I’m not saying they’re the best or most intelligent procedures to focus on right now. I just think they’re the coolest and most insane procedures to think about at the moment. Feel free to add to the list and pressure your congressperson for more funds to be diverted to android body research and X-Gene development.

Just don’t tell them I sent you. Thanks.