Lenny Bruce Is Not Afraid: Surviving the New Zombie Apocalypse
Melissa WilsonView all articles by Melissa Wilson
So the zombies are upon us. We warned you they were coming. We said that, hidden in the press releases about SARS and bird flu, there was a worse disease waiting to break out among the wider population. We gave you plans for dealing with survival, how to protect your home and your family, and you laughed at us.
Ha! Told you! Neener neener neener!
Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, you need good, solid advice. First, forget all this "undead rights" crap. No, zombies are not cute, cuddly versions of the people you once knew. They are brain-sucking monsters out to dine on your cerebellum. Second, if you've done any preparation, this is the time to use it.
"My husband and I have our zombie kit ready," said Nancy K, a local stay-at-home mother and amateur zombie killer. "We bought our chainsaw in 1999 for the Y2K scare. We're ready for anything."
Check your pantries for long-term storage of goods, and if you neglected to get staples, take your chainsaw and go get them now.
Check your weapons. Many gun afficionados have been preparing for this day for decades, but they need ammo too. A sharp sword is going to chop off a lot more heads and it doesn't need fuel.
Check your neighbors. Dispatch any that are staggering and mumbling and form a small community with the rest. Barricade the survivors into the best basement on the street. (Board games may come in handy as cabin fever sets in over this coming weekend. I suggest LIFE.) If you've been considering starting a romantic relationship with one of your neighbors, this may be the time, but keep in mind that participating in actual sexual activities puts you both at the top of the list for being eaten by the undead, and plan accordingly.
Check your pets. Large barking dogs are helpful. Goldfish are not. Let the cats outside and stock up on Alpo. I have no ideas about the gerbils, sorry.
Check your cashflow. Pull out as much as you can from the closest ATM to have on hand. Be prepared to barter as you flee for your life.
Check the Internet. As long as we keep power, we'll keep updating this site to bring you the latest news about the zom
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