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Too Many Bodies
http://firefox.org/news/articles/1690/1/Too-Many-Bodies/Page1.html
Melissa Wilson
 
By Melissa Wilson
Published on 07/28/2008
 
The population surge and you ...

The population surge and you

While increased energy production is a benefit of the rising zombie population, we are starting to see more of the pitfalls of living in a multivital society. We've already discussed the labor issue and the water crisis, but what we have failed thus far to mention about the extra bodies walking around is the existence of those very bodies. In previous years, the death rate almost kept pace with the birth rate. In the U.S., the annual population growth was just under 1% before the zombies came, adding a new person to the population about once every ten seconds. For the world at large, the population growth was at about 1.2%, with five more people added to the population every two seconds.  All of this before the death rate did not so much stop as be put on permanent hiatus.

As one might be able to tell, we have a bit of a population problem on our hands.

What does this mean? In Egypt, the population was growing at 1.7% per year prior to the undead awakening; the zombies fortunately aren't eating the foodstuffs that have already been rationed to the breaking point. The good news is that they aren't consuming resources, the bad news is that they are still taking up space and don't look to be going anywhere anytime soon, at least while the fresh brains industry is still in full swing. Add the zombies to the growth rates already in progress, and the world's population is going to be frightening in a hurry.

What can you do about it? While some less-understanding souls have taken to hunting the undead, new legislation is pending that will enforce stiff penalties against the so-called "slayers," starting with hefty fines and including up to ten years in federal prison for repeat offenders. Undead-rights activists are pushing for these laws, and the vampires have been especially vocal about retaining voting rights after physical death in order to preserve their interests. (For more information, please visit the Deceased Voters Rights Association home offices in downtown Chicago.) Destroying the undead is not an option they will take kindly to, and is not recommended.

Instead, a more proactive approach to the new human population is hereby suggested. When you are entering the childbearing years of your life, and before you have started bearing those children, you would do well to decide in advance how many children you intend to have, and then examine your resources to raise those children. The more children you choose to have, the more they will cost in terms of food, clothing, shelter, education, childcare (either paid or in lost work for a stay-at-home parent) and healthcare. This is by no means insurmountable, but if your offspring plans include eight children while your career goals include McDonald's, you may be overreaching your means. Plan for as many children as you honestly think you can support (and understand that plans do get changed unexpectedly).

When you are not actively trying to have children, find a birth control option that works for you, and stick to it. Some religions forbid all forms of birth control except those worked out from a calendar with possible help from a thermometer. Others permit birth control options but encourage large families. Figure out in advance which methods you are going to be able to use so you are easy in your own mind about the state of your soul/other incorporeal state, and again, decide how many kids if any will fit into your future plans. When you're finished with the number of children you intend to have, look into permanent sterilization, which is extremely effective.

Keep in mind that birth control is a personal decision. A method that works for you may be infeasible or even actively harmful to someone else, requiring them to seek out a different method that you might not like. While you should feel free to advocate for your favorite method (or lack of) you lose when you make the jump from "This works for me" to "And I'm going to make sure no one can use anything else." Family planning is hard, and is only made harder when otherwise well-meaning people incorrectly try to redefine birth control pills as abortifacents.

To help in the wider world, advocate for more, safer, and low-cost birth control options so that everyone can have the opportunity to make their own decisions based, not on how much money they have, but on the birth control options that work best for them. Free or nearly free condoms, used properly, reduce the rate of STDs as well as provide a very nearly protestless form of birth control. Plan B has been proven to act as an ovulation suppressant rather than an implantation inhibitor, and the more the word gets out, the easier it will be to make this particular form of birth control available even among people who are afraid of disrupting implantation. Tell your Congresscritter you support family planning efforts at home and abroad, because people who have the most information and resources available are able to make the best decisions for themselves and their families. Don't be afraid to talk about birth control among your family and friends. If you can sit with your best friend and talk about sex or tampons, you can talk about condoms.

Educate yourself about birth control methods, their uses, their failure rates, and how to avoid failures. Pass on the information and do what you can to help people who pass along that information. If you're ever in doubt between competing claims of efficacy rates, safety issues, or the mechanism of actions, go to the science and Google up a journal article or five. (Note: Scientific journals are where you will find the real data from a study. Data published in magazines or summarized in newspapers will not be as reliable.) If you hear there's a cancer risk for a pill or procedure, look up the actual data collected on the matter before you take my or anyone else's word for it.

Do not mate with zombies or other undead in order to prevent pregnancy. Just don't. Sure, the vampires might look cool and stylish, in a brooding sort of way, but the long-term effects of relationships with the undead have been heavily documented and while the risk of unplanned pregnancy is low, the risk of accidental ingestion by one's partner is too high to make the risk worth the effort. Just say "no" to zombie sex and spare yourself.