Recently, CNN conducted a poll asking American consumers whether or not they felt oil companies were overcharging them for gasoline. The correct answer is obviously yes, but you might be surprised to learn that 2% of the people surveyed felt that they weren’t paying too much for gasoline. Who are these people that feel they’re getting a good deal at the pump? I’ll tell you who they are. Millionaires. They’re millionaires, or children of millionaires, or people who own the oil companies (but that’s the same as millionaires). They’re people who are millionaires, billionaires, complete idiots, or all of the above. They’re people who own things like airplanes, football teams, and senators. They’re people who have memberships to wine clubs, country clubs, and Sam's Club. They’re people who listen to Yanni, Enya, and Charlotte Church. They’re people who have sex with people who charge a lot of money for sex with people. They’re people who think this country is headed in the right direction and not for certain death and destruction. You know, the death and destruction that follows every time a civilization sheds the last layer of their republic only to unleash an imperial monster upon all who oppose them in a desperate last ditch effort to regain control of a world they no longer understand. Those people. Those people are the ones who think the price of gas is just right. Let me tell you. I’m "fill ‘er up" to here with big oil! But not to worry, I have a solution.

I’m excited to take this opportunity to introduce to you a revolutionary alternative fuel. You’ve heard of solar panels, wind turbines, and hydrogen fuel cells. They’re good, but mine is better. We start by gathering and then containing all the CEO’s and senior VP’s of every oil company in the world. Next, we grind their flesh into a fine pulp careful to extract all the essential bodily fluids with large, pre-positioned vats. Finally, we refine the mass amounts of raw human juice, courtesy the pre-existing oil infrastructure, and (with a little luck) turn it into an ultra-efficient form of fuel. I call it my “Power From The People” program, and the good news is this power source will remain abundant and plentiful because these people are continuing to breed. So get excited, America! The future has never looked better!