If you live in an area with no wheat fields, you've probably never heard of alien fishing (it's up there with cow tipping as a nothing-better-to-do-than sport). Because where you have wheat fields, you have crop circles. And where you have crop circles, you have aliens. (On a side note for those of you in Iowa, substitute the word Corn for Wheat, and the 1919 Chicago Black Socks for aliens and you can still participate in the fishing fun.)

This year, thanks to the unusual weather patterns created by La Nina (or the Freemasons with an Ouija board), many farmers are planting wheat where once they planted soybeans, thereby giving many more people the chance to fish for aliens.

Now fishing for aliens is quite a bit like fishing for other things. The steps are simple.

1. Set a lure.

2. Wait for the alien.

3. Grab the alien when it shows up.

First you need a lure. Most aliens prefer either cows, or guys named Bubba who wear trucker hats (The Black Socks seem to prefer James Earl Jones). While it's nearly impossible to get a cow into a wheat field without attracting the attention of the local police, Bubba will go anywhere with you if you promise free beer.

Once your lure is in place, all you have to do is sit and wait.

2:00 Set the lure in the wheat field. Two in the morning is the perfect time for this activity. The chances of anyone calling the cops is lowest at 2:00 in the morning. By now your Bubba will have polished off a case of beer and be quite docile.

3:00 No aliens as of yet? Not to worry, you can amuse yourself by playing harmless tricks on the Bubba. But beware anytime he happens to say 'hold my beer and watch this.' These famous words were uttered by 90% of all Darwin Award winners.

4:00 If your headlights and radio die and your car won't start, then get ready. This is a sign of UFO's in the neighborhood. Either that, or you ran your battery down.

While we're on the subject, what do you plan to do with your alien once you've caught him? You haven't thought it through? Oh dear. Perhaps you should have given this a little bit more thought.

5:00 At this point, the flashing lights aren't coming from your car. Look up. Try to remember to take pictures. That is, if your camera still works. Hey, where did your Bubba go?

9:00 If you've woken up in the middle of a cornfield and your watch is no longer synced with local time, you're now in Iowa.

Congratulations. You were supposed to catch the alien. Not the other way around. Go find the nearest farmhouse and call for a ride home. Or alternately, go look for those baseball players.

Better luck next time.