Firefox News welcomes you to our newest column: "Birds and Snakes and Aeroplanes," your fan-friendly guide to the end of the world. The first rule is, don't be afraid. The second rule is, be informed. The third rule is, the Scouts were right and be prepared for anything.

As my husband likes to point out, the world is not actually going to end. The Earth is going to be around well after the last human has fossilized. Society may or may not collapse. It may deteriorate slowly, it may recover, it may even blossom. No one's got a working crystal ball (and if they do, they're not sharing the answers) so all we can do is look at what's around us and try to figure out what's coming. This column is dedicated to looking at all possible coming catastrophes (food crises, oil shortages, natural disasters, black holes in Switzerland, rogue asteroids, bird flu, another unknown pandemic, the loss of the bees, and of course, the coming zombiepocalypse) and trying to make a few preparations, get our axes ready for some undead head-chopping (the secret to a sharp axe is a proper angle and grip on the sharpening stone), and come through still smiling and ready to watch next week's episode of Tragicomic Space Opera.

Click on any news website and the top world concerns you're going to find include Peak Oil and food shortages. We'll discuss Peak Oil in a few weeks, and why now might be a good time to invest in a bicycle. This week, we're talking about food.

The current food riots and protests have been in the making for some time. As trade opened up with China and high-tech jobs moved to India, these countries saw the growth of a middle class, with accompanying rising standards of living. Automobile use and ownership went up, and higher-quality food went on the table. Meanwhile, drought in Australia has dropped wheat production in that country by more than 50%, with no sign of better times on the horizon. Rice (or certain varieties of rice) is no longer being exported from countries such as Thailand. In the U.S., the Department of Agriculture has depleted its supplies of surplus food which has in past years been used to supplement hunger programs in the States and abroad. The prices for staples such as wheat and corn are skyrocketing, not least because of the latter's use as a biofuel.

The BBC recently interviewed people who are practicing the new survivalism, stocking up a "bolt hole" as they call their little hideaways out of the city, and getting ready for massive shortages. As practicality goes, the average fan-on-the-street is not going to be able to afford a cottage in the country. If experience proves right, Jane Fangirl is lucky if she has a basement; we tend to be apartment-dwelling folk, by and large. Many of my friends do not even have drivers licenses, much less cars, and rely on public transit for their traveling needs. This is an excellent way to reduce your own carbon footprint and do your part to help ease the oil crunch, but it does mean a lack of mobility come apocalypse time. When Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005, some people criticized those who stayed, but honestly if a hundred-year storm was going to hit New York or Chicago, I know a lot of people who would have no way to leave, and they're not convenient nameless, faceless masses, they're my friends.

Let's assume that when the zombies come, you're staying home. First, get your axe. Next, let's look at your food supplies. If you had to barricade yourself in your home for a week against the undead hordes (or if, for example, your entire block was quarantined for a week) could you feed yourself and your household? Best case scenario, we'll assume you still have full power and that the water in your pipes is clean enough to drink. Do you have enough canned and dry goods to last a week? How about two? This doesn't have to be a lot of food. Think of it in terms of soup: one standard can of condensed soup is supposed to make two servings of food. Do you have enough servings on hand for everyone in the home to eat?

What are your dry goods like? Do you eat rice? Have you got a full bag or two? What about flour? A bag of flour can be kept a lot longer if you stick it in the freezer for a couple of hours (old Southern woman trick) and then stick it in a sealed plastic container with tape around the sides (new Southern woman trick). Powdered milk is good to have on hand regardless of potential undead armies. You can use it in recipes to save money when regular milk is expensive. Potato flakes (good for thickening soups). Dried beans. Lentils. Barley. You don't need to lay in fifty pound bag supplies, but a few extra small bags on your next trip to the grocery store can go along way. Canned veggies (the ones you'll actually eat) are nice to keep around for those nights when you're throwing all the leftovers in a pot and want something that's vaguely plantlike, and meanwhile they keep well. You don't have to go overboard.

While you're there at the store, think about getting a couple of seed packets. A cheapie flowerpot and a few scoops of dirt later, and you can be growing your very own produce. If you've got a yard, great, go crazy with the zucchini and snap beans. If you're in an apartment, find a sunny window and grow one thing. Read the instructions and follow them. And no whining about having a brown thumb: if college students can successfully grow pot in closets under fluorescent lights, you can grow a tomato plant on your balcony or in your kitchen. Find out what's good for your climate zone and try your hand at something. You'll save money, and you'll be that much less reliant on the supply chains in case of sudden disruptions of the natural or supernatural disaster type.

Before the zombies come, start going by the local farmer's market for your veggies when you can. The produce won't have been shipped from as far, so that's less fuel consumption, plus it'll be fresher and may use fewer pesticides. (Ask.) Last year, I went by our local market and found Concord grapes, one taste of which reminded me of what grapes ought to taste like, not those bland little water balls at the store, and the good grapes were cheaper, too. If you don't have a farmer's market, check out local co-ops, or even just your local non-big-box grocery store. The less your food has to travel to your plate, the less handling and processing it needs before it reaches you, the less likely it is to be unavailable in times of short supplies.

Look up recipes. It's cheaper to cook many things from scratch than from boxed ingredients, it provides more activity (kneading dough ought to be a marathon event) which gets you extra exercise in your daily routine, and once you get the hang of a recipe, you can change it to suit your own tastes. Learn what goes into the foods you like to eat, and get into the habit of keeping those items on hand. If you can afford it and have the space, invest in a deep freeze and keep it supplied with the meat you prefer. If you can't and you're a carnivore, take a look at the preserved meats available in your price range. Tuna fish and canned chicken are great sources of protein, and while much fun has been had at the "jerky" food group, it was invented because it keeps for a long time. We will not speak of Spam. Your own tastes must guide you there. (Liquid smoke improves the flavor. Take it from someone raised by rednecks.)

Shortening. It's gross, but it keeps and you can bake with it.

Baking soda and baking powder. Baking soda is like the universal cool chemical. You can bake with it, you can clean carpets with it, and if you add vinegar it makes really cool foaming action that's fun for the whole family. You should be able to buy a box for less than fifty cents.

Powdered drinks, especially of the "loaded with Vitamin C" variety. Tasty, and easy in that whole "just add water" kind of way.

Sugar. It's a luxury item and luxuries will be in short supply when the zombies come. Ditto on coffee and chocolate. Do you really want to be chopping off heads with a caffeine-withdrawal headache? I don't think so. Get a hand-cranked camping blender, chip off some ice from the pond, add coffee, chocolate and powdered milk, and you too can be sipping iced mochas while you're watching the fall of humanity. As Nanny Ogg would say, a little planning is all it takes.

Think about the other items you buy constantly, be they baby supplies, feminine hygiene products, or pet food. Can you afford an extra package the next time you restock?

Don't panic. Panic's contagious. It just takes a couple of people stocking up for Armageddon to get everyone pulling down the grocery shelves looking for that last can of Who hash. As calmer minds have pointed out, rationing will come before we go all Alas, Babylon, at least in the countries where food shortages have not yet hit hard. If you are lucky enough to live in a country like that, also think about dropping a can or two into the donations bin for the local food pantry. There are a lot of hungry people in your own neighborhood, as well as around the world, and it's going to get worse before it gets better. Lend a hand if you can, and remember your horror movie tropes: the homeless guy you step over instead of helping will inevitably be the same guy who reaches through the barricades to eat your brains.  Again, a little foresight is all it takes.

If you'd like to learn more about stocking up food and other supplies, you should check out some resources from the Latter Day Saints (the Mormons). Food storage suggestions are provided for short and long-term plans, with only a little dogma added in for flavor. You can even plug your family into a handy (if worrisome) calculator to see how much food you should keep on hand for a year.

Is your axe sharp yet?