There are many constants in the fannish sphere. There will be flamewars. The 'shippers in the 'ship you don't like will be much more annoying than your kindred 'shippers. Your show will jump the shark and it is unlikely any three people will agree where that happens. And of course, there will be fans who think "boundaries" are places one goes to jump around on inflated moonscapes shaped like Spider-Man.

This? Makes Doctor Merlin sad. Many young fanthings, flushed in the joy of newly-discovered kith and kin, run roughshod over boundary issues, and while some of that may be intentional, Doctor Merlin will graciously assume many cases occur because the young fanthing in question simply does not know any better.

As usual, Doctor Merlin is here to help.

The first question to arise from the neophyte boundary-crosser seems very simple: whyfor does it matter? And the answer is, shut up, you fool, I'm talking here. Fans come in many shapes and sizes and shades and backgrounds and abilities and toleration levels for their fellow humans. Many fans have had bad experiences with boundaries in the past, so much so that they retreated to this lovely online haven where the could squee to their hearts' content on topics near and dear while keeping other people, well-meaning or not, Very Far Away. For all that fandom has brought us all together, some of us are in fact happier with everyone else a comfortable arms-length away, and the Internet is the perfect sphere for this exact level of interaction. Even our online identities bespeak of this separation: how many people do you know who regularly spend time in fannish spaces using their real names?

Sometimes, we just don't like people, maybe because we've been hurt in the past, maybe because we never felt we belonged in the first place, what with those ducks on our heads and all, and maybe just because people, as a rule, suck. (Not that Doctor Merlin says this last phrase on a daily basis, nor do her children, upon hearing those words, immediately remind her that she ought to go make coffee now. Honestly.)

Now, when a fanthing comes into our space and wants to get too close, this can have the effect of annoying those of us who are antisocial as a habit, and it can actively cause fight-or-flight responses in those of us who have had bad experiences. If this is your intention, then so be it, but understand someone will help you experience Tae Kwon Leap if you keep doing so.

If your goal is not to offend, then perhaps a few pointers are in order. If you are one of those gifted with social graces, please feel free to chime in at the end with extra tips. Doctor Merlin does not come by social niceties naturally and has had to learn many of these tips and tricks the hard way, i.e. real and metaphorical boots to the head. Do not let this be you! Read and take note, gentle reader, and you too can be, if not a fannish social butterfly, at least not actively avoided by all comers at your next convention.

This is important. Trust me.

First, let us speak of real-world interactions. Something Doctor Merlin has noticed, not just with fans, but also with non-fans who are fanlike, is the lack of knowledge about simple interactive techniques. Ergo, if you should perhaps want to forward this anonymously to your favorite biochemist, it might be helpful. (Or not. You never know with people.)

Personal space. Use it. Respect it. Violate it at risk of a boot to the head. When you are chatting with someone, especially someone with whom you do not already know extremely well in the real world, be sure to leave at least an arms-length of space between you and your conversational partner. If you can't judge, use a conservative estimate. (Do not actually stretch out your arm. Seriously.) A closer range may be acceptable if your conversational partner is agreeable, but do not assume. Once you know someone well, and this could take a short time depending on the person and how long you've known each other in online situations, you should know whether or not closer is acceptable. What you are trying to avoid is upsetting the other person by being too close. What you might think is "Us just getting close" may be to her "Cat trying to get away from Pepe Le Pew."

Conversational topics. Not all about you. Really. While you might find talking at length about your detailed model of the Enterprise-E with the working turbolift, and every bit of effort that went into crafting it (or your 200k word Harry/Draco WIP), the other person may like to talk about other subjects. If you've been going on long enough about your topic, they may want to talk about anything else. Asking the other person's opinion about the subject you both like will go much further towards making him/her feel valued than will pontificating at them at length about whatever you want to talk about. This does not mean you must be silent about your own personal interests; it means that you must remember there is a give and take in every conversation, and sometimes the topic will turn to Michael Rosenbaum's biceps whether or not you care in the least, and that's okay too. It's all fandom.

Personal care. Perform it. While Doctor Merlin understands that the majority of fandom does not need the reminder to bathe frequently if not daily, she has alas known people who were not sold on the idea of this being important. Remember, showers are the gift you give to other people. (Stolen from someone who may feel free to come by and claim it, as I don't remember who said it first.) How does this relate to boundary issues? Simple. Even if you are standing a standard distance away, if your scent (and this includes an overabundance of cologne or perfume) reaches your friend, she will likely not appreciate the intrusion on her nose. Doctor Merlin has at least one friend who is dangerously allergic to perfumes in particular, so simple ablutions before meeting her can make the difference between a pleasant encounter and the friend taking two days off work while her eyes are swollen shut. In addition, people will speak to you longer if they are not bolting for fresh air at the first opportunity.

Information-gathering. Don't. Unless you mean to use the information for precisely the purpose you claimed when you asked. If you asked for a phone number to arrange transport to the con, don't use it to call her at two a.m. to talk about how much you hate your mother unless she has already indicated you may do so. If you asked for her email address to coordinate story details, don't use it to coerce her into drinks after work. If you do, she may help you experience Tae Kwon Leap, and she may even bring her friends to help.

Here's a secret: fanthings are simple creatures.

When you say you like our fanfic, we hear: "You liked my fanfic!" When you say you want our phone numbers so we can cowrite a story, we hear: "I want to cowrite a story with you." When you use these words to mean: "I want to convince you to be my best friend / to have sex with me," we get testy and upset. Some of us go hide more, others of us practice the "boot to the head" theory. Since you don't know which one you'll meet up with, practice discretion.

Now, this being fandom, most of our interaction is not in meatspace. We meet in the ether and party down with the electrons. Many of our boundary issues, while most severe in the real world, translate also to the online continuum. Here are some dos and don'ts.

First, don't be fake. It's bad enough when people sockpuppet. It is just as devastating, if not moreso, to discover that a "real person" claimed to like or be into something, be it a pairing, series or genre, simply to suck up to you. Some people might find it flattering. These people are not our people. So if the person you'd like to make your new best friend is into Naruto, while it's a fine thing to get into Naruto because you admire her/his taste, doing so simply as a means of getting closer to him/her is kinda skeevy. Fake interests eventually unravel. You make mistakes because you don't love the topic enough to actually know what you’re talking about, and not only have you embarrassed yourself, you've also alienated the very person you were trying to impress.

Second, be smart. Don't be full of yourself or your own intellect. If you pull a "talk to my GPA," (note: link contains profanity so probably not safe for work) you will get smacked down and righteously so. But don't be stupid. You're coming into a group of over-educated people who majored in literary theory and science. If you don't know what imagery is or why bad physics in SF matters, you don't want to be wading in during a discussion on same. The Internet is full of information. Use it. Learn. That also applies for social topics such as racism, sexism and homophobia. (Yes. There's a recurring theme. Deal.) If you're online, you have no excuse for learning all you can about a subject, including your favorite series. Thanks to the munificence of BitTorrent and the speediness of Amazon.com, you have no reason not to know the full canon of something before you post about it. Again, if you come across as someone who is just here to meet someone, you won't last long.

Don't assume the person on the other end of the Ethernet cable is your soulmate. No, really. Not even if she's that cool. Not even if he's the first person you've ever met who had the same jump-for-joy response you do o this particular aspect of this particular series. Not even if this is the first person who's ever sat with you for more than an hour to talk about fire imagery in the last three episodes of Season Three New Who. That doesn't make her/him your soulmate. It makes him/her a fellow fan who likes to chat about fandom. Ditto for Best Friends Forever. Just because this is the first time you've ever met anyone really this far into fandom who is this cool of a fan does not mean you are the first person s/he has met with the same criteria. Shorter: you're not as cool as you feel like you are when you're around him/her. Shared fandom might be a jumping-off place to a good friendship (Doctor Merlin owes all her current real-life friendships to a coincidental meeting on a fannish mailing list thirteen years ago, after all) but there's more to becoming friends than both preferring Nine over Ten.

No, really.

No, even when you've never met anyone before who did.

Really.

Fandom is all about meeting wacky people just like you. There are a lot more than you think. A large number of people prefer Nine over Ten. Many people 'ship your favorite couple. Many fans can hold an articulate conversation about Shakespearean references in nineties cartoons. If you haven't met them yet, that just means they're still out there waiting for you.

Telling someone you think they're your soulmate is crossing a big boundary. So is convincing yourself that the person is your very best friend and that you're theirs. Unless they've been here before and know the signs (and this the causes, the reasons, and about how long it takes to pass) you're going to seriously freak him/her out. In fact, if s/he has been here before, you make freak him/her out even more, because as I said, sometimes it ended very badly in our pasts. Sometimes we're still carrying scars from the last time someone crossed that boundary and we said "Stop" and they said no.

So really? Don't. Or there will be a boot to your head in the future.

What can you do? What if you've met someone, in real life or online, and s/he seems like the coolest person you've ever known? What if you do think this is a friendship meant for the ages, that you will play Ben Affleck to her Matt Damon, play High Laurie to her Stephen Fry. (And slash them as you will. Come on. You know you want to.) What then?

Be yourself. No, seriously. It sounds stupid and trite, and it is because it's always the right thing to do. If she's into House/Cuddy and you're into House/Wilson, it's okay. You don't have to convince her that your OTP is the one true way, nor do you have to abandon it so she'll like you. Enjoy yourself and your corner of the fandom, and be glad that she's enjoying hers. If you want his phone number, don't get it by pretending you want to talk about "Magic: the Gathering" when you really prefer talking about "Highlander: the Gathering." (It could happen!) Be true to your fannish preferences, and not to getting in with a cool BNF, be confident that the things you're interested in are worth of interest, and people will eventually want to gather around you and become your bestest friend and/or soulmate. (At which point, you'll want to send them to this essay when they start creeping you out.)

The short form of all the above: don't be weird. The advice magazines may talk about getting in close and pressing your advantage, but that only goes to show once again why fanthings use advice mags as kindling when they go camping. Respect other peoples' boundaries and needs, and they'll be much more likely to respect yours when the matter comes up. Or don't. Doctor Merlin does love to practice the boot to the head, after all.